Safe ways to express strong feelings

It’s normal to have strong feelings. Most people do. It’s the way you express them that can be a problem. The way you express strong feelings will affect the people around you and how they feel. Everyone can learn to express their feelings in ways that do no damage.

It’s your job to deal with your feelings

When you’re very angry, very hurt or very worked up it may seem like someone has made you feel like this. You don’t have to like the feeling for it to be yours. It’s your response to something and it’s up to you to deal with it without causing damage.

Everyone is allowed their own opinions.

The something you’re responding to isn’t necessarily wrong just because you don’t like it. However hard you might find it, other people have their own views. You don’t have to agree with them. You do have to act reasonably when their views don’t match yours.

Here are some tips about how to do this. If you find this hard you might want to talk to a counsellor for more ideas about how to do this.

The first step is to calm your self down

Some ways to let off some of the steam and calm your self down:

• Exercise is great. Go for a walk, go to the gym, dig the garden, do the vacuuming. The physical effort is a good release.
• Write down how you feel.
• Do something creative like drawing or dancing or cooking.
• Talk to a friend who will support you to deal with your feelings safely.
• Meditate
• Take a long hot bath.
• Go for a run
• Talk to yourself about being calm, "I’ll take a few deep breath to calm down", "I can handle this", "I can find a way through this"

Second step is to act in a reasonable way while you explain your view and listen to theirs. When you act reasonably, others are more likely to listen to you, and understand your view.

Use these Fair Fighting Rules - Attack the problem, not the person.

• You can be angry about the issue and to try to change it. That’s attacking the problem.
• It would be attacking the person if you blame someone, criticise them, call them names, threaten them or hit them.
• When you talk about it, act in a way that encourages respect and trust.
• Talk about it at a time that suits both of you.
• Keep your words and your tone of voice polite.
• Explain your view of the problem. Say what you would like.
• Ask for their view and listen to what they say.
• Look for solutions that work for both of you.

Everyone can learn to express strong feelings safely.

But it can be hard to learn how when you’ve had years of doing it differently. Our counsellors can help you develop your skills. Look in Contact Us to choose a counsellor in your area.